Taking In The Good Days

It's hardest thing to do, it requires us to stay in the moment and to reel in what's in front of us. Taking in the good days, for me, and I'm sure for many, is one of the hardest things to do. Battling mental illness doesn't just mean trying to cope with whatever slows down your every day mental rhythm, it's also about appreciating moments of clarity. But I've been compelled for many days to write this, to write about the good days, so let's try it, (I can't believe I'm about to be this vulnerable with you all).

This is not a 10 step to "being in the moment" kind of article; not at all. Instead, I'd like to share with you all what a good day means for me, how difficult it is to take one on, but also how rewarding it is to experience one. Everything I say in this article is subjective to me and in no way am I trying to paint the struggles of others who either deal with more serious or less severe bouts of mental illness.

A good day isn't straight off the bat obvious for me, and that's because I mostly don't have off-days, most of the time I have neutral days. I wake up feeling tired, (but not drowsy tired, just an apathetic tired), and that usually takes up 80% of my emotional bandwidth in the morning. It takes hours, and I mean HOURS for me to emotionally begin my day. I'd say I begin gaging my mood after few hours of being up, and it usually happens with my first self-interaction of the day. Good days begin with a good interaction of the sort: "wow, I'm glad we're taking this walk." I don't talk to myself in a third person, but (because of my time studying philosophy) I seem to have separated my internal voice as the voice of my "mind", which communicates with a secondary voice, but this secondary voice doesn't really say anything as it is the voice of my "person". It don't make sense, and it's the first time I've really fleshed it out too; but anyway. A good day begins with a good interaction with myself, it's never forced, it's something like walking on a street and catching a breeze of someone's perfume, it happens out of nowhere, but when it does, all of your senses are awake.

One positive interaction with myself is not enough to qualify my day as a good day, and that's because I have many positive interactions with myself during neutral days, and even on bad days too. This is where the problem starts. Because I am aware that a positive interaction with myself can happen during bad days, I begin doubting myself and the elation I'm feeling. Deep down in the back of my mind, a false negative premonition sleeps and whenever I have a good interaction with myself, I operate around this sleeping premonition as if walking around a hibernating bear; I try to be as quiet as possible, as to not to wake up the sleeping beast. Yet, I have no real reason to, and in fact I usually realize that this premonition is not real after a while, it's just anxiety, it's just my innate skepticism towards my authentic self. And that's the difference between a good day and a regular day or a bad day. On a good day, the elation I feel overwhelms this false anxiety, thus allowing me to fully appreciate the positive feelings that just passed through me. Although the positive moment may pass very quickly, I've completely shut out my pseudo negative premonition for the day.

I must reiterate, in both my subconscious skepticism and in my overcoming of it, I am not an active agent but rather a passive conductor of my fleeting waves of emotion. I am no psychologist, (very far from it), but I'd assume this lack of agency over the emotions I feel is the source of my mental illness, and perhaps all mental illness in general. So to anyone who is reading this, if you suffer from any form of mental illness, no matter how much you underestimate it, don't forget that this lack of agency is natural, don't fight against it. If you were to break your arm, wouldn't it be foolish to try and move it even though you no longer have any control over it in the moment? Even when your arm is plastered, you would be a fool to try and move it, would you not? But you can still have good moments with your broken arm, even when you lack complete agency over it, you can have amazing days. Medical and psychological treatment is there to help remedy the constant bouts we have with our finitude, but those bouts fluctuate, they are never stagnant. Our body is never fully well, for none of us, and yet we carry on every day knowing that there is A LOT that's out of our control when it comes to our body. How about we do the same with our minds? Take in the good days, take in the bad days, take in the regular days, take in whatever comes in between. We don't control our physical wellness, nor our mental wellness, but that's okay, as long as you remember that; you know what I'm saying?

Typed with love,

ACV.